I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
