So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize