I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
