saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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