just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
