I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
