If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
