Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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