Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize