we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
