Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
false alarm, still single
There are leaves in my underwear?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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