is your mom at the bar?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Randomize