Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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