i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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