I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
