I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
