it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
