Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
