i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
