so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
