I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
