im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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