Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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