FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
