I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
