I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
