Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
