A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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