the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
