the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
