i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
