I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize