apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
