So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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