R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
