I wish my penis had an off switch
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
whose ass print is on the piano?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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