i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
