You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
