4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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