Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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