ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
