Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
