she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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