My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
