I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
