Do you still have your period?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
