My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
