I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize