sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
