I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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