You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize