I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it's like iHOP with fire
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
