He uses pillows to masturbate.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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