I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Randomize
