You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
