You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
