I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize