Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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