I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize