my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
